Switching Lanes

Wow. Remind me again, how many times I've been down this road??

Only difference is I'm being incredibly protective this time; of my dreams, my goals, and my plans. Too many times in the past, I've pre-maturely spoken about something I want to do. In many of those cases, it wasn't that I didn't do exactly what I said I was going to do, but I did end up - most of the time - overpromising, yet under-delivering. The success was in trying in the first place, but to the outside world, try and fail is just a fail. A fail followed by judgment and I told you so's coming directly out of the mouths of people I love the most.

Fine. I just won't say shit. tuh.

Well technically, I still am...kinda...(saying something) simply because it's ingrained in me to share personal details of my life from time to time via the internet. However I'm not going to promote this post, so it's more like a faint whisper than a loud roar. And who still reads personal blogs anyway? I'm confident that the ones who do take the time to read this will be genuinely supportive though, so it doesn't really bother me that someone might read it. And by the time I'm notable enough for people to go digging up the artifacts of my life to have an "opinion", the goal would have already been accomplished. At that point, no one will be able to tell me what's impossible on behalf of what has already been done. 

Maybe before, I was subconsciously seeking validation from my family and friends, my peers and associates, and from people who probably didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. To an extent, I still do value what my loved ones (a select few, at least) think of me, but everyone else...not so much. Even in a sense of family and friends, everyone is not going to have the same level of excitement as I do. I really do think they mean well; they just want me to see one of my many plans through to completion, so at this point, I have to talk less about what I'm doing and just do it. 

What I will say is, my mommy made a suggestion to start with an end goal in mind and work my way backwards, which I know I've heard before from her or someone else, I don't know. However, it resonated when I heard it this time, as if it was my first time ever hearing that advice. I also finally discover someone to look up to, putting a face to a professional title that I hadn't even thought of as something I could see myself doing and loving. 

So for once in my life, I listened to my mom and did what she told me to do. Shocker. I spent that entire weekend researching, praying, meditating. At the very least, I realized that I needed to switch some things up. I was at a breaking point and I knew I couldn't just repeat the motions and expect things to be different.

Eventually, I came up with what would not only turn out to be the road map to a career that I didn't even know was my dream career, but would also lead me to figuring out and putting words to my purpose here on earth. Yes it's that deep...which is exactly why I'm guarding this one like a hawk. This one here has something special on it and I just want to keep it safe. I don't want anyone to taint it with their projections and limitations or making me think I'm crazy for the pursuit of it all. And as much as I love web design and can see myself being in a tech/engineering environment for the rest of my life, it's something about this set of goals I simply can not ignore, because my spirit just won't let me.

During this process and in the most subtle way, I was reminded of small seeds that were already planted; words spoken years ago of what I envisioned my ideal life to be, what I wanted it to look like. Don't get me wrong; it wasn't like I was completely clueless, even back then. However, a major part of why I'm not where I want to be, is because I haven't been specific enough about what I wanted. All this time I've been attempting to put the puzzle pieces together to make all the little things make sense, trying to figure out to get from point A to point B without crashing...and burning...and failing. Again.

It's one thing to change my mind, but it's a totally different story to put in the work to make it happen...and I have to make it happen. 

It's the first time in my life that a dream of mine has actually scared me; not because of the challenge of it, but because it's so much bigger than me. So much so that it's frightening. It's also not about not wanting to do the work as much as it's about the time, commitment, dedication, and level of discipline it's going to require for me to get through each phase of this new journey. At the same time, I am so excited and ready and grateful that something finally clicked in regards to what to do with my life in a way I had not experienced previously. 

Also, from here on out, I'm only making major decisions from a state of happiness and gratitude. A mentally stable place where I'm able to set a goal from a sound mind and make the necessary adjustments as I go.

Inhale. Exhale. Now go for it.

Do it scared. Do it unqualified. Do it unapologetically.

-Signing off- Chymere A. ♡ 

  ♡ Follow me on Twitter: @ChymereA | + IG: @KodakChy