Afraid (of the inside)

It did seem like the world collapsed overnight, but even when it did my peace is the thing that scared me the most. 

I was not afraid to go outside, not afraid to speak kindly to a passing neighbor, not afraid to catch the first cheap flight out to salvage a broken friendship between me and my ex, only to create a new one with his current lover. Why? Because I'm rarely afraid of anything outside of myself. 

It's always the inside shit that frightens me the most, as if the explosion of everything I hold onto internally will kill me in an instant. 

And it wasn't until I wrote it just now that I came to that conclusion. 

See, underneath all of the news surrounding this pandemic, as well as the tragedies sparked because of it, I sense that something else is taking place; something subtle and menacing and something that will catch us all off guard once it surfaces. Not to mention how the new laws very blatantly targets, yet fails to protect, the black community...on a global scale...and there is a bigger reason why I feared speaking on it at all, but I digress. 

In the midst of all the chaos, specifically in Georgia, my home state, major news is casually being swept under the rugs of oblivion, such as the Ahmaud Arbery case (that I've only seen 1 person out of 700 + friends on social media mention), because it can't possibly be as important as commanding everyone to stay indoors; to only go to the essential places that somehow largely exclude small businesses, and with little to no evidence, prosecute those who don't follow this new mandate. 

Perhaps, it was the worst time to binge a show like Handmaid's Tale, because now I can't get the idea of martial law out of my head, how possible it is for things that only dwell in imagination to happen in real life. I can't help but notice how all the conspiracy theories I've heard over the past few months are starting to make sense. Overwhelmed by an overload of information, searching for ways to escape this reality, and exasperated from being awakened...being "woke" is exhausting af. But I believe that being privileged enough to be blinded to all of it is a different form of imprisonment. Again, I digress. 

However, I've always been this way. No matter how naive I was assumed to be, I've always steered my life with eyes wide open, never closing them shut before the fall...or leap. Awareness of danger has never stopped me from living and I guess that's why I'm here, to encourage someone to keep living the best way they know how. 

A thought...I understand that everyone is a healthcare professional with tons of experience in political matters to have the know all to know how to go about this pandemic, but can we just collectively stop wishing death upon people, simply because they've chosen to go outside? I'm someone who questions religion and the validity of the Christian bible as we know it, but is it pure folklore to actually believe that life and death is in the power of the tongue like Proverbs 18:21 suggests? Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit (NKJV).

With all that's going on in the world right now, I'd like to implore a greater compassion for how others choose to live their lives during a time where panic, to some extent, is seeping through our pores like the poison it is. Someone may decide to risk it all and go have a fun day outside, simply because an abuser lives with and awaits them at home. Perhaps, sitting alone with themselves is a trigger for depression, suicidal thoughts, or other mental disorders in general. Yes, the "statistics" (distorted by too many unknown variables) are terrifying to hear about and there is a safety concern that people should remain cognizant of, however as we chant things like #StayHome, keep in mind that you never really know what people have going on within the walls of the places they call home, as everyone's version of safety varies.

It's a little grim, and maybe even extreme for some to think about, but the overall point is: have a little more compassion, because at this point, no one has all the answers except the universe itself, constantly unfolding, shifting, building, functioning as it should. The omnipotent God that we call different names is still very much in control. 

All in all, one day all of this will be a moment in time and rather than reversing back to "normal", things will be better than they were before...or am I a fool for believing that as well?

-Signing off- Chymere A. ♡ 

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