Healing Diaries no.08 | priorities.

Hold on...I'm healing. Hold on...don't let go (of me) yet.  

Journal entry | 09.13.2022

"God show me how good it can get." (daily prayer)

"Put in the work and stay centered in yourself and with God."

I just gotta get disciplined and start positioning myself to receive all the things I'm asking God to bless me with. Focus on the inner work alongside the hustle; healing from within and figuring out a way to get to the bag. Focus on my own happiness. Take some time to love on Chymere. 

Now that I'm sitting here, sort of reflecting, this is around the time the twins were supposed to be here, assuming I wouldn't carry full term with twins), next month being their due date and it just dawned on me that that might be the reason my emotions feel/have been feeling so chaotic.

Sheba (my canine daughter/emotional support bestie) just burst into my room as I was crying my heart out and I...it's like the pain resurfaced, sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. 

Calmer now. 

Journal entry | 09.16.2022

I believe it's possible for God to heal relationships the same way He's able to heal individuals and that individual people can heal collectively while continuing to heal from within.

I also believe it's possible to let go and still hold on. what I mean by that is letting go of grudges/grievances, ego/pride, insecurities, toxic energy, anger, etc. Letting go of expectations by being more present. Acceptance. Gratitude (for all the big and little things that made it good). And operating out of a place of pure love. 

To be honest, I don't know if I'm saying all this to justify why I haven't fully let go or why I don't want to...or if I truly believe - deep in my soul - that it's possible to let go of all the negative stuff in a relationship and enter into a healthier union.

"I pray for peach in the places chaos once existed in." | Healing Diaries no. 03 | Optimistic.

Although I say all this, I do wonder if holding on is counterproductive to my healing journey. I spent the past couple of days with him and the vibe was everything I wanted/needed it to be; I just wasn't really able to pour into myself like I do when I'm at home. It bothers me in a way that I haven't directly expressed to him, but I do think - eventually - it shows...in my attitude, in my irritability. Understanding this about myself, however, I decided to keep the visit short...and blissfully sweet. Creating boundaries. 

Then I get home and stay up all night just to play catch up on all the me time I felt I missed and that time - no matter who I'm spending time with - is so important. Still learning how to delegate my time appropriately. After that breakdown I had the other night, all I wanted was "my man", if I can even call him that, because there's something about his presence that soothes me in a way no one else can, although my mom did in her own way (her prayers sustained me that night). I just did not want to be alone...until I was ready to be alone again. 

When I find myself willing to be soft and vulnerable with my guards down, I can see how much he's trying and that he does have the capacity to love me (the way I deserve to be loved). It's those moments where I'm reminded of what caused me to fall in love in the first place. It's when I have my guards up in battle mode, attitude on 100 where things go bad, because as easy as it is to blame him for most things, I know I'm no angel. There are also certain areas where our understanding of how a relationship is supposed to work differs because we were raised differently. Where my upbringing was love and survival, leaning more on love, his was mostly survival. 

On the other hand, I expect the kind of treatment that I haven't exactly extended to him. Imagine if my work ethic, my get-up-and-go, matched his or if we put all the energy we use to fight and argue into building businesses together like we initially planned...we'd be on top of the world by now. I've just poured too much of myself in the wrong way, into the wrong places, and my cup wasn't even full. Accountability. 

"My body want sex. My heart want love. But my mind keep telling me to hustle."

Something about the way he held me last night specifically, like he was scared to let go, like he could sense me slipping away from him...

Now that I think about it, things are better between us when I just let things be. When I'm not overthinking to the point of mental exhaustion, not trying to decipher the good, the bad, the what ifs, where things went wrong; the past and the future - and just allow things to flow, our rhythm comes back naturally. In that sense, I take my hands off the situation and simply live in the moment. The hard part is allowing things to fall apart if they fall apart. The thing about flowing is learning how to not resist. Whatever happens happens. But it's a process to tap into that level of thinking when it comes to dealing with someone I saw a whole future with. 

The important thing is to avoid getting so wrapped up in him that I start to lose myself and to stay focused on what I have going on, such as my goals/dreams/ambitions, all that jazz. 

So much to do, so much that needs to get done. Gotta get my priorities in order and keep my discipline in check. 

My time, my energy, are all the more sacred to me these days. It's important for me to honor myself more than I have in the past few years.

ps - healing is such a chaotic process. I have so much to unpack during my next and upcoming therapy session.

-Signing off- 

Chymere A. ♡