I'm not feeling this version of myself.
Sure, there's always space and opportunity to decide I want better, want to be and do better, and make changes accordingly, but there are these moments, like right now, where my frequency is so low that I'm convinced that I'm too damaged to reach my full potential or manifest my higher self.
It's hard to even pinpoint what my turning point was, but I got completely off track from where I was at the top of the year.
"Now, I’m just focusing on creating a beautiful life for myself, hustling using the talents and gifts God blessed me with, and thriving in my divine feminine more and more each day."
Deviating from the motto I came up with for the CA rebrand, which was create, hustle, thrive, no longer was I this buoyant, ambitious, young lady chasing dreams and doing things to make her happy. It was like I was fell into this slump and going with the motions of life, giving in to whatever demon/distraction was coming my way, and hardly present enough to appreciate the little things. Barely surviving - drowning, really - and not even realizing that's what was happening, I lost sight of my goals. It's weird, because I felt so alone, knowing there are people in this world, who genuinely care for and love me tremendously, but I didn't want to lean on those individuals, out of fear that I would be a burden or that my low vibrations would latch on to them. Out of fear that I would be seen as a failure in the eyes of people I admire. Aside from how I was doing internally, life was literally kicking my ass, to the point where I'd come up for air and immediately be pushed back down by some external force.
It's a rather morbid state of mind to exist in; that at my lowest, I couldn't seem to imagine going any higher. Essentially, my mind was playing tricks on me.
"I'm sure it's mostly in my head, but that doesn't put me at ease, because the things lurking around inside the mind can be just as dangerous as tangible threats."
- Colleen Hoover, 'Verity'
However, I think the fact that I was initially afraid to put my thoughts to ink is the silver lining of it all. It means that there's still hope; that a part of me - however small - doesn't want to stay here, in this dark place, forever. I want to seize the opportunity in the fact that I'm still breathing. And that hope is what prompted me to begin this journey of healing and essentially document my way through it. By sharing these experiences, not only is it possible that it will help me, but I'll also be helping someone else...because it's never really about me, is it?
So here we are: day 1 of my personal healing journey...to fulfillment, wholeness, peace, and happiness.
-Signing off-
Chymere A.
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