I apologize for being so toxic towards you.
The love was real, there's no denying that. For a time, what we had was so beautiful, something worth pouring into and fighting for, but somewhere down the line the vibe gradually morphed into...something different...and now it's over.
Reflecting on it a few days post-break-up, I understand the perspective of those people who suggest healing thoroughly before entering into a new relationship, because merging lives with another human being when you still are healing is dangerous af, especially once emotions get involved. Although healing is a continuous journey, I can't say that I was in the best mental space when we first met and was subconsciously looking for someone to save me. I had recently gotten out of a toxic and abusive relationship with my ex, was just starting to BO$$ UP and find my footing on the self-love journey, then BOOM, I cross paths with a man who I thought just had "it", someone I was instantly drawn to, who I immediately wanted to carve out space for in my life. To be fair, I assumed I had properly healed and already developed the confidence to show up as my best self in a new encounter. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
If I'm being completely honest, I was far from an angel. Being in yet another toxic relationship isn't about blaming someone else for the toxicity that was able to exist in said relationship. The relationship was toxic, because I was toxic. I'd get irritated and overreact to the smallest of things. I did a lot of over-promising and under-delivering, which is a pattern I've noticed outside of my relationship too. My demons came out to play, that's for sure. Essentially, a lot of my actions were giving...toxic. More importantly, I wasn't taking care of the heart that he was reluctant to give me in the first place.
I checked out mentally a while ago and I think he started to pick up on that level of detachment. I began to withhold a lot of myself from him and when my guards went back up, all the work we did to break down the walls I had around my heart went in vain. Even after I knew I no longer had the capacity to give him the love he wanted and maybe even deserved - it's hard to say whether or not the two are synonymous - I still selfishly held on. A major part of it was me not being happy within myself, a lost soul operating at a very low vibration (Healing Diaries no.01), and you know what they say: misery loves company.
All the arguing, the fights, the drama, the miscommunication, the anger, even the lack of trust wasn't what caused us to break up, although those were contributing factors. The goal was to glow up, travel the world, build businesses, and eventually raise a family together, but in the 2 years that we were together, none of that happened. And though it wasn't anyone's fault that our mutual dreams were never realized, in the end, I think we resented each other for it. Ultimately, what lead to our demise was the fact that we failed to bring out the absolute best in each other and in our reality, it was polar opposite. The hardest pill to swallow was that I wasn't capable of bringing out the best in someone I genuinely was (and still am) rooting for, and that I probably won't be the person he enters his inevitable winning season with.
It's possible that we didn't do everything we could do to make it work, at least not in a healthy way, but at the end of the day, we simply weren't a good fit for each other. In addition to that, some couples are built to weather the storm, face trauma and adversity together and come out stronger for it; apparently, that saga just wasn't in the cards for us. It took me a while to be okay with that. Actually, I'm still processing how to be okay with it, because I loved him deeply and immensely and I know he loved me with equivalent passion. Separating from someone I was once upon a time so compatible with is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't think it's easy to walk away from someone you fell so hard for, no matter what the circumstances were that eventually make people decide that it would be best to cut ties and move on.
It's taken me a while to let go; in a sense, I'm still in the process of fully releasing. I do know there's a part of me that wishes things were different, that hopes we'll take the time to sort out our own shit and get back together in the future. But there's also a big(ger) part of me that knows we both deserve better, even if "better" means an improved version of ourselves. Whatever the future holds, I'm making peace with the distance that's formed between us. It's all love and if you ever read this, I wish you nothing but the best.
Chymere A.
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