In the aftermath of a breakup, I think it's normal to feel an array of emotions that have nothing to do with the other simultaneously. All in one day, I can be balling my eyes out and by the time the sun sets I'm happy to be investing time in a little TLC for my damn self (aka me time). One minute, I'm wanting so desperately to run to the arms of the one who held me in my darkest moments to knowing I'm better off not reaching out at all, even when he's in my thoughts heavy. Its an equilibrium between the two that I'm still sort of figuring out, yet still knowing that both scenarios are okay. There's a viral TikTok sound floating around that resonates with a lot of people, because it poses the question: have you ever been happy, healed, and heartbroken at once? (or something of that nature) and that's where I am right now. I'm on the brink of both elated celebration and regretful tears, but in either situation, I'm aiming to give myself more grace, more time, more trust in the process of it all.
I used to think it was impossible to fall out of love after finding yourself in love, but now I can see how it's possible. Paths change, people change, feelings change. Sometimes that change is not conducive to what the other person has going on, the road splits, and so forth. It's barely even realistic to expect a person to stay the same over any span of time. We tend to get lost in these serendipitous, once upon a time memories of what used to be so much so that it blurs whatever caused the redirection in the first place. I'm sure anyone in a similar situation can relate to wanting to hold on to something that was so comfortable, something that once felt like a home and a safe haven all at once, even if that home became a hell house, where nightmares and demons alike were free to come and go as they pleased. All that to say, I get it (the whole concept of falling out of love), because as much as I love him, loved him, and will probably always love him, there's just some parts of him...of us...that no longer fit in my life's trajectory and perhaps never did.
However, the healing journey I'm on isn't just about getting out of a toxic relationship, although a breakup is what sparked the flame. It's about me taking the pieces of me that I know I need to work on and work on them. It's about being decisive about who/the woman I want to be and showing up every day to be her. It's about taking in all the lessons I learned from this situation in order to be a better partner to the next person and/or the person I end up with. It's all those things. Most importantly, it's about genuinely wishing someone well as they move forward with their journey, as I move forward with my own.
My prayers now center around the desire to be healed. Healed, so that I can love myself, others, and the world at large better. Healed, so that I am able to break generational curses for my bloodline and future legacy. Healed, so I don't have a bitter rebuttal or reaction if and when he decides to move on to someone else. I pray for peace in the places chaos once existed in. I pray for strength, especially during those "weak" moments where I'm wondering if letting go was such a good idea or days where all I want to do lay in the bed and cry. I also pray for compassion; that my heart never grows cold or becomes too weighed down by heartbreak to extend kindness, or to simply be a good human being. Despite what my heart has suffered through, I pray I never stop seeing the good in others. I pray the same healing for him. It's the optimism for me.
As I chin up, buttercup myself through this entire process, I intend to continue this magnificent journey of not only discovering, rediscovering, and reinventing myself, but also allowing and creating the necessary space and capacity to be present, fully immersed in each moment as it comes, releasing when it's time to release. Forward movement is the only way I'll make it to the other side, alive.
-Signing off-
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